Friday, January 02, 2009

Rules of Respectful Relationships 

Usually we make up the quality of our relationships based on the models we see in life.
Parents and others we admire, TV and movie stars, friends and others we see become the norm.
However what is normal has slipped to new lows of common practice and our children are watching.
When one has not experienced and do not participate in disrespectful behavior it may be hard to imagine.

So here I am called to write directly about what is not OK in loving and respectful relationships.
I am reminded to tell you that what you have given will come back to you from someone.
Our children and partners watch and repeat the negative behaviors as well as positive.
Someone once said we need to counteract negativity with twice as much of the positive to undo the harm.

Rules of Respectful and Responsible Relationships
Absolute no-no’s in relating to everyone (no matter how they talk to you.)
Never threaten to leave or stop loving.
Never threaten to do harm to another or their belongings.
Never throw things or punch holes in walls or slam doors.
Never swear, ridicule or use name-calling.
Never push, grab, or get in the other’s personal space.
Do not try to argue or demand with a person who is sick, drunk or out of it.
Do not interrupt people who are on the phone, toilet, sleeping, unless they have asked.
Do not interfere in another’s business or conversations unless you perceive someone may be harmed.
Do not ask for immediate answers.
Do not follow people around to engage in arguments.
Do not yell, scream or raise your voice to get attention.
Do not escalate an argument to get way.

Absolute essentials in building respect and trust in Relationship.
Take responsibility for healing the hurts.
Take responsibility for controlling your own emotions.
Leave the room to handle your anger.
Learn to let out anger in writing, exercise, taking a walk, venting alone.
(Puking and pooping toxic thoughts and feelings is best done in private.)
Learn to listen to you own stuff and handle it within yourself.
Learn to handle your own fears and hurts, before expecting someone to do it for you.
Change your own thoughts and behaviors rather than ask someone else to change theirs.
Be a role model, giving what you want to have, consistently and effortlessly.
When you or another needs space and time, give it immediately with respect.
When another’s behavior is potentially harmful or toxic, step aside, and don’t take it on.
When you need to handle your own emotions and behaviors, state when you will return to complete.
Give yourself time to see what you could have said or done differently.
Forgive yourself for creating or escalating the difficulties.
Acknowledge your mistakes and ask that you be forgiven.
Create support for one another, so that both parties stop harmful or disrespectful behavior.
Make conscious choices to treat one another with kindness and respect.

This is a beginning.
If you and someone you love have been interacting like actors on TV, stop now and make a New Year’s choice to act like a mature adult.
To grow up well, you need a positive role model.
Choose someone you admire and see as respectful.
Ask yourself ,”How would….act in this situation?”
If you don’t know, remove yourself until you do know a better way to achieve the outcome you desire.

Loving you,
Betty Lue
More tomorrow.
Email me your questions and “yes, but’s”